Do Men & Women Benefit Equally From Marriage?

In a hetersexual relationship, no woman will answer yes to this. The stability that the marriage offers plus the fringe benefits, a man has more opportunity and incentive to succeed and achieve. And he does. That’s why he has affairs after he becomes successful. Finally the woman he couldn’t have because he was too insecure and unsuccessful is willing to give him a shot.

Women on the other hand are kept so busy in married life with the mundane that they don’t get to explore and develop themselves and therefore never reach their potential.

Wondering Why Your Husband Is Not Excited About Your New Job…

…Even though he was the one who told you it was time for you to go back to work? Most husbands don’t want their wife to succeed. In theory they want their wife to be successful so that there will be more money coming in. In actuality a wife’s success is an insult to their masculinity. It means they can’t take care of their family, they’re not successful hunters and, the worst one, their wife is more talented, skillful and makes more money than them. That’s a reality that’s too hard to take.

Better to keep her down by sneaky insults and subtle putdowns. Or just show lack of excitement over her successes.

When You Can’t Count On Your Husband To Act Age Appropriate

What does a mom do when her husband is putting on inappropriate movies for their 2 year old son?

When speaking to husband about movie being inappropriate for a 2 year old, it’s important to speak to husband in the tone and manner you would use with a 2 year old. This is the only way you will get any results.

Therapists say most adults are their 5 year old selves walking around in big people garb. This is referring to the emotion, reactive part of humans. But I believe this is only 1/2 true. Most women may be 5 year olds, but most men are only 2 year olds.

So while husband is indulging himself in a movie he impulsively wants, he’s not able to be present enough to say ‘I’m here to be a positive role model for my son.’ You would not expect a 2 year old to be able to have such self control and therefore, as much as you may not want to believe it, you can’t expect your adult 2 year old to have much self control beyond that of your child.

To husband you may say, “I don’t like what you’re watching. Is there something else that’s more happy and colorful? Why don’t we look for something together?” If they argue, maintain an even tone of voice and repeat the above quoted sentences. If husband still argues, keep a calm voice and say, “Okay, we are going to have to put the movies away now.”

Now if you can figure out a time out that will work with husband beside withholding sex, please let me know. Always need good options.

Are Marriage, Predictability and Repetition the Same Thing

It seems when 2 people are trying to blend lives there must be much predictability. In order for things to be predictable there needs to be repetition. In other words things need to be handled similarly on a regular basis.

So what does a person who needs variation do? My partner gets concerned and freaked when I don’t respond the same way every minute of every day. I feel I need to experience an entire range of emotions.

And there are times I do respond differently to the same situations. I may be particularly worn out that day. Or maybe I’ve reached my limit of dealing with the same circumstances. For example, when husband uses frying pan to make himself a snack and he washes the pan (happens sometimes) I invaribly have to re-wash the pan before I can use it. Now this is not terrible if I were to have a decent nights sleep, not have to take care of a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and if I had a nanny or home manager even part time. For me the reality is I have my 6 month old in one while cracking open the morning’s eggs. Just as I’m ready to reach for the pan I see the disgusting remnants of husband’s midnight meal. Where predictably I would respond by being silently fustrated, washing it and letting him know in a calm voice that the pans needed to be rewashed, after a night of my 6 month old keeping me up, leave me the dirty pan and I might… yell. Or something.

Being in predicatable patterns to me is deadening to any impulse to try to experience life differently. I think having a predictable range is more like it.

My Husband Has 2 Children to Take Care Of…

I have 3.

Do you think a man turning 51 would be ready to “have better things to do” on Saturday night than go out with his buddies? How do they even have anything in common? The buddies are not fathers, most not husbands and all make lousy financial decisions.

With 2 “small” children I barely have time to have a 15 minute phone call with girlfriends. But husband has made a virtual fence around Saturday nights with the guys.

I’m waiting for some evolution…

Is your husband as deaf as mine?

This must be grounds for divorce. He seems to need to blast his phone calls on speaker, blast tv, blast music. What’s worse is that he doesn’t care that he disrupts the house. His babies could be sleeping and he doesn’t care that his ruckus permeats the entire house.

I know there are laws on noise pollution, more and more everyday, but what do if the noise is coming from within? Meditate & pray for —-?

Why Are All The Menschs I Know Not Jewish?

In my life experience a mensch was a really sweet, good-two shoes. Much of my life I didn’t go for this type, but I dated them. All those lovely, good hearted (unscarred & unspoiled by Jewish mothers) men.

Husband would love to think of himself as a mensch.

As disappointed as I am that I cannot see this way, I’m even more baffled that he expects that he would be. Yes, he wants to be successful at everything, the ultimate renaissance man. I do believe there comes a point where we need to accept ourselves as we are right now. Things like this, “ways of being”, are very hard to change. I believe it’s because they are imbedded into our early, early, early childhood. Who were the man’s childhood role models? That will tell us who the man is. It becomes the filter through which all further life training gets interpreted.

I’m wondering where those non-Jewish menschs are now. Interesting that they are ALL too interested in their privacy for Facebook.

1 Step Forward 4 Steps Back

Have you had a breakthrough with your spouse? I have and it always seems like “Ahh, this is the turnaround point.” Then it’s not. Next day ( sometimes even the next hour ) right back to the average behaviors. What can we expect? Therapists say change is possible. There’s even new research that says the brain is more plastic then we had thought in the past. Recently I read that even though brain cells die off starting in our twenties, and greatly after 50, it’s now known that new neurological pathways can be created after 50, even 60.

I guess my spouse is the exception to these new findings. I guess I can understand it. Were he to start changing himself all the self-pitying stories he had would not fit. We all build our whole lives on our beliefs. If we change behaviors OR if we change beliefs there will, at least temporarily there will be a lack of foundation, a lack of self.

I also believe that my husband (I’m not saying all men) think that if they do something pleasing for you once, that’s it. He did it. Job done. Now back to what he really wants to do. I guess this is my real problem…a husband that won’t admit that he would rather be doing ‘anything’ else.

I tried to get him to admit it but I’m sure he’s afraid to say it, afraid of what he might lose. So he goes on living a lie (or “trying” as he would say) and I go on wondering when will this misery end.

Going Through The Motions

Another night feeling lonely in my heart.
If you were to meet either of us on the street you would never know the desert that lies between us. I feel so dishonest. At least if I could declare that this is sort of a business arrangement instead of a love affair I would at least feel true to myself. Now I wait till I get to a safe zone -the therapist’s office- to be honest.
Not a bad idea to have a therapist on speed dial.

Michael Jackson sang Man In The Mirror…

Telling us to take a good, hard look at ourselves in our lives.

Well, I did this …in my bedroom mirror. And I realized something about myself, since I got married. My hair’s gone gray and I’m getting that verticle indentation between my eyebrows!

Maybe I should put a red dot on my forehead to hide the line.