1 Step Forward 4 Steps Back

Have you had a breakthrough with your spouse? I have and it always seems like “Ahh, this is the turnaround point.” Then it’s not. Next day ( sometimes even the next hour ) right back to the average behaviors. What can we expect? Therapists say change is possible. There’s even new research that says the brain is more plastic then we had thought in the past. Recently I read that even though brain cells die off starting in our twenties, and greatly after 50, it’s now known that new neurological pathways can be created after 50, even 60.

I guess my spouse is the exception to these new findings. I guess I can understand it. Were he to start changing himself all the self-pitying stories he had would not fit. We all build our whole lives on our beliefs. If we change behaviors OR if we change beliefs there will, at least temporarily there will be a lack of foundation, a lack of self.

I also believe that my husband (I’m not saying all men) think that if they do something pleasing for you once, that’s it. He did it. Job done. Now back to what he really wants to do. I guess this is my real problem…a husband that won’t admit that he would rather be doing ‘anything’ else.

I tried to get him to admit it but I’m sure he’s afraid to say it, afraid of what he might lose. So he goes on living a lie (or “trying” as he would say) and I go on wondering when will this misery end.

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Going Through The Motions

Another night feeling lonely in my heart.
If you were to meet either of us on the street you would never know the desert that lies between us. I feel so dishonest. At least if I could declare that this is sort of a business arrangement instead of a love affair I would at least feel true to myself. Now I wait till I get to a safe zone -the therapist’s office- to be honest.
Not a bad idea to have a therapist on speed dial.

Men (specifically husbands) Have Limited Hearing

They only hear partial sentences, partial paragraphs, partial sentiments. So you must condense. Be sure the most important part of your ideas are within the first part of the first sentence. That’s all he will hear.

Be aware of using a qualifying word before your key words. For example, “I won’t be available before 12:30pm…” This statement can result in a multitude of mishaps. He will only hear 12:30 am. He will ask you if you want to have a romantic brunch at 10:45am. You will say, “I told you I wasn’t available before 12:30pm.” He’ll say, “I can’t win. I’m trying to be the romantic guy YOU want.”

This has a chance of being avoided by condensing. “12:30pm. Good.”

Encourage Him To Have Friends

I made a mistake. I thought his spending his interests with everyone was stopping us from having shared lives, shared interests. So I told him how upsetting it was that he spent so much time with his friends, leaving me home alone. I really thought the potential for our relationship was much deeper than it is. This is where I went wrong.

Now he spends more time hanging around the apartment. It’s very annoying since we  don’t have shared interests or relationship depth.

If he wants to spend time with…everyone else?  Don’t be a fool. Let him.

My Friend’s Getting a Divorce…I’m Smelling Her Freedom From Here

I heard the news and I was so jealous. Now she can create the world she wants. She can make herself magificent without someone’s action or words negating it. I wish her the best.

Now I’m not recommending you get yourself divorced from your husband or wife. But if, after reading this, you feel envious of my friend and can SMELL her freedom….

as they say, “The Nose Knows”.